I wrote an email to Chianti last night. It really summed up what I was feeling about today as right now, one year ago I was cleaning out my locker and preparing to leave where I had worked since 1992. This really seemed to say everything I wanted it to say.
I realize you won’t read this until tomorrow but it’s 1 year. One weird, wonderful, terrifying and scary, but much needed year of change and growth.
I feel I’ve come to terms with a lot, went and tied up a lot of loose ends. Still don’t know what I want to do when I grow up other than content. Maybe that’s one of the hardest things to learn and articulate. Friday night at the blue note one of my former coworkers came and had beer with me.
I was telling him about actually being happy and at peace. He was telling me about how much more money he needed and content wasn’t enough for him. He’s about ten years older than me and has had a lot of health problems. He is the one that over bought a house after his wife divorced him for cheating. But he’s a good guy, just has different wants in life. Trying to tell someone that life isn’t all about money and material possessions to someone that judges himself to others by how nice his stuff is compared to others is just a weird conversation.
For example after I showed him how to make a budget, I told him the house was more than he could afford. A house payment was one of his paychecks when he bought it. But he continued to want a new truck because the other guys in the shop had one. So he wanted one too.
So he tortured himself with new car ads. He literally bought a $5k TV because it was the best he could get and then wasn’t able to watch anything on it because he couldn’t afford cable for a year.
Me telling him about contentment in life wasn’t based on finances was like explaining Astrophysics to a chipmunk. Not that I understand astrophysics but I do understand happiness now, at least my version of it. He still has over 3 years left before he can get social security at 67 and get his pension.
My new goal is really simple. Pay off everything (which is nearly always my goal it seems) and be capable of living on my pension alone. Well and continue to write this novel I’m working on and hire it to be narrated by a really good professional narrator. I think it’ll be interesting and I can possibly finish it by spring! I flesh out more of the characters every day whether I feel like it or not. I get a lot of gold nuggets out of just writing character situations and add depth to them.
I know, I’m rambling. I’m sorry. Tomorrow, the 12th, is going to be an emotional day. I know you and I reflect a lot on our lives. We’ve talked about it a lot. I think what this year has shown me is stop being a spectator of your life like I was for 30 years, and participate in it. That probably doesn’t make sense. Didn’t make sense as I wrote it. Seems apt though.
